Peter M Howard ::

Feelings at the Door

23Mar2024 [personal]

In which an old friend comes knocking...

My latest breakthrough at therapy was identifying that I’m not the affect-less even-keeled person I’ve assumed I was for the last 20 years. And figuring out that not only do I have feelings, but importantly this is okay, they don’t have to be locked away.

Coming out of this latest session my anxiety came back something awful, and it took me a little bit to figure out why. But it’s like I’ve had all these feelings knocking at my door, and I’ve been going «no that’s a stupid feeling» and trying to rationalise them away, when all I’m really doing is slamming the door on them.

This morning one in particular knocked at the door (whether the front entrance or the door to the closet I’ve kept them/him locked up in) all «oh I hear you’re ready to see me», and I pushed back at first but they kept knocking so eventually I was like «ok fine but you’re waiting in the lobby until I have time».

And I still haven’t actually dealt with it but wow just acknowledging it made so much difference! It’s still there waiting in the lobby, a constant presence in my head like everything else I need to get around to, but it’s not doing that huge hammering on the door that just spikes my adrenaline and pulls me into my head and out of the real world.

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